Carabella: A Numb Goodbye

it was a Sunday, got up early from crying so much that i lost my watch, i know, its kinda stupid, crying over a watch. so i got to KLCC philharmonic Petronas tower 1, everyone was all excited and happy, its Rehearsal day. but i wasnt screaming out of joy, just somehow the day was so sad to me.

the custom procedure, i went through, they scan your whole body and you have to put your bags on the scanning machine, you know like the one in the airports. then i went down the lift with everyone, there were too many of us, the lady had to bring two-3 trips down from lobby.

the place was nice, okay. the studio was cool too. but not as i expected, thought it should be bigger, but then yeah, atleast we could have it for awhile.

i really couldnt laugh at all, i tried, failed. then i thought, i'll just have to get it over with, no point being selfish and child-much. got some candy in mouth, melting away the miseries, (as though i had one) and off i went,, dancing away like a jolly dolly. kicking off the start with a smile. breaking through

i was practicing on my own, infront of the mirror, it was break time, so everyone was practically doing their own thing. and i saw aunty farah on the phone, with a change of look, and she kept on looking my direction, but i continued doing what i was. then, "Siti.." aunty farah called out my name. i turned to her. "it's your mom" just something about her tone seems different. Is something up? no, maybe, mom just wanted to check up on me, bring me lunch or something, maybe..

"Siti.. i'm at the hospital right now.. i might have to.. pick you up.. very soon" she was struggling for air. "Mom, what's going on?" my voice breaks thru the phone, it must be something bad, i knew it. but she ignored my question.. "I'll pick you up later, okay". she hung up. at first i wasnt sure of what really happened, but then i heard aunty farah said something about my grandfather. i knew it was grandpa. hysterically, right were i was standing, i fell to the floor, and cried. aunty farah pick up her footsteps and hugged me.

i couldnt describe, the feeling, but i saw my tears falling rapidly, continuosly, i heard voices, be strong- is what the kept on saying. but all thats in my head was pictures of grandpa. there were lots of people by me, around. everyone patted me by the shoulder, but i couldnt feel anything. ironicly of the people around me, make me feel so lonely somehow. at first i was so heartbroken, and suddenly all i felt was nothing. A numb. no, my whole body, physically and mentally. there were questions in my head, some were clear, but its like my body rejecting everything that i was trying make em clear.

they told me to scream, shout, cry let it all out. but i just couldnt, i dont know how. it seems impossible to do. and finally all i did, was cry silently and stare into space, trying to untangle the confusive facts in my mind. what just happened?

suddenly, i was on autopilot. i think i did laugh, or shout too. but it really wasnt me. i let my past control the skin works, while the inside was grieving graves. it made me feel tired, exhausted.

then mom came, wth Razak driving. "What time?" i asked mom. she didnt need the full question. "1.40" replied mom, below her voice. sighing. Razak was having a migraine. Ignoring their presence, i let the same reason eat me up again, and soak myself in my own tears.

after all was ready, we head to the mosque. as closer we were to the destination, i was still numb. as if someone were to stab more than once i wouldnt feel a pain, not a nerve.

then i saw my grandmother, disabled, on a wheelchair with Yasin by her grip, tearing away as she saw me. I exploded into more tears when i saw her expression looking at me as i came helding her hands by mine, kissing her by the cheek.

my cousin , Ned, came out of the Bilik Pengurusan Jenazah, "come, let's see him for the last time". i can feel the glass pieces stabbing me like a drum roll. as i enter the white room, there i saw a very slim thin figure covered in white cloth on the floor, center of the sobbing crowd. uncounted amount of tears was shed. the heart was screaming, beating like it wants to get out of the system. pumping blood, each of em cells scattered like wild life, running marathons.

then i saw his numb face.. he look like he was sleeping. peacefully, he looked like a peaceful statue sleeping. looking at him, i couldnt believe he left. he was still there, his figure right infront of me, wont he speak? they told me i had to give him a last kiss, though, without a tear touching his face from mine, at first i thought it was sort of impossible, i keep on wiping my tears out, though the same ones runs down again, it was frustrating. then i gathered a lion's courage and strength to stop the tears from coming out for minute, i thought i should hold my breath but theres no need for that, i cant even breathe. then right after my brothers, i took my turn, slowly i approached him, and kissed him on the cheek. his skin was cold, made me repel fast from him, and then i was free to burst again.

entering the graveyard, said some prayers for the dead, and walked to the one. everyone was already there. crowding again around him. when i reached there, they already placed him six feet under, i could only stand aside as i watched them scratching earth to cover his deep bed. i looked around all my relatives, seeing their down faces, the same tears fell. my aunt that ive never seen her down, the one that never gave up, the one that was always wanted to give a strong personality of herself upon others, she stood beside grandmother, holding her hands, crying silently as i were. heartbroken, hurtful as it was to me, it mustve been much much much more as it is for her and all her other siblings including my father, the man that never knew how to cry. deepest weaknesses had been revealed.

then comes the Talkin, followed with the siraman air bunga mawar. i took my turn again, but then i had to help my grandmother with it, she tried her best to hold the glass jug of rose water in her unrecovered condition.

just when i thought the day had end, someone shouted "Bring back the flowers, Uncle Md Noor is here" i turned and saw him and his wife, on their knees by grandpa's grave. it broke my heart more to see the person that always made everyone laughed, was on his knees, facing the soils, grabbing a handful of the earth. him, the eldest son.

a day never had been so numb til today. i still cant believe Grandfather had left us. i will miss him, the times when i had came to visit, he greeted me at the door, the way he said words, spoken from a good strong man, and the key to come in his house was to let him kiss you by the cheeks. the last i saw of him was the time he was in his sick bed in University Hospital. he was sleeping, fighting his body to live, and he was really thin. i didnt want to disturb his rest, so i decided to leave a note. i dont know if he read it, but my mom told me today, he did.

Dear Embah,