By The Turn

at this point of life, i resist every company exists. the river blood pounds my heart out, it doesnt seem to care and consider how i feel, simply jumped, into conclusions that dont even includes me. and now i can even have the slightest moment of thoughts to wonder where do i fit in this life besides my family. who is it that really needs me. and i heard a whisper, honey its too early for you . maybe she's right, she was right all along.. nobody knew me so well besides myself, even the closest person, with blood relation, doesnt know me deep deeply, by the core of it all. though the fact was denied, and its been pushing to fact it self that it does. through out, i am dumfounded. cant think of any resolutions to all this, yet. its necessary i know but, i'm literally putting myself on hold, and pushed the pause button to find out about my scenes, my surroundings, slow as time should take it. but at times, there would just be some wall pushing my chest back to where i should be resting when all i wanted to do, was move. of course, lessons along the way of my life, that ive gone through i kept them in my mind, and the ones that were too much of complications i note them down somewhere. just in case i might tend to forget, which i doubt, because when the time comes, i dont forget them, just that i thought its better to leave it untouched, for fear it might repeat its disaster, my disaster. but somehow, that i got so numb, i forgot the feeling of fear. its there, but it just stood right behind me, only inches away. i used to write words rightly, synchronized with my thoughts, but now with all my head has covered with tears, and black sceneries, where am i ought to hold on? i'm blinded by my punishments, restraining myself from him, because i dont want to cause anything anymore. and sometimes i would hit the boundaries and run back, my eager selfishness did that. and for that,  hating it. i wish things would just be where i was accepting my faults, and for things to not let me go through it altogether, its not playing fair isnt it. a cruel beast, when i begged for it to not go on, it just walked straight ahead without looking back at the pity-some me. and now giving the laugh again, as it watches me from a distance, how empty i look, its entertainment to them, watching me in control, in a mountain of restrict orders, watching me deprived from braveness as i never dare to cross borders, the ones that they set, when they told me it was wrong to do. why cant i be myself? well now thats simple, the facts and myths around just hate my own, and they only have a sight of my skin, and not my blood and whats running around with them. i was born real, sense, a figure with a soul of joy and love, how i was brought up, but slowly, things turn around, i started to be just a figure, with a trapped soul on its knees to be set free again and breathe the bright air. i dont know and i cant believe why i'm letting others make me who i am, when i should just might as well stand tall, and figure all this fakers documents about myself and shred them all. slowly i'm searching for myself again, leaning on my weak pole, the center of this balance, and tear the things i dislike apart and slowly, grow and bloom as a new born.