Decisions

i keep singing the same old song
over and over again
wandering about the rightness of wrong
until i drove myself insane.

i've been killing myself trying to decide
i dont know if i should show myself or hide
what will it be that would take my priorities up high
will it be us or just me, myself and i.

i feel like giving up on life now
but theres just something or someone who wont allow
that i'm thankful for life being unfair
keeping me living struggling for air.

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love


I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

from Music And Lyrics OST

today

• what i felt was regret.
• all the things now i cant forget.
• what i'm missing is my own.
• finally admitting i am alone.
• so still i kept thinking.
• should i leave my heart sinking?
• or should i just move on?
• leave now just be gone

• music is playing a symphony
• a note which i usualy play to fairly
• but today seem so long
• everything was wrong
• where have i done the mistake
• i cant tell cause the world was in a shake

• disaster a quake
• though i'm stoned unawake
• i lay there
• trying to differentiate nor compare
• all the things inside my head
• which heart are to be shed

• sun and moon can never meet
• so as health and some fit
• is that how it is my mind and soul are parted away
• thats how confused i felt today
  

my All

Let me walk with you by the rainbow,

let me tell you what my heart knows,

youre the reason i want to live,

youre the one i want to give..

My All

hold me dont let me fall,

my love,

forgive me if i still pray for you from above,

i just want you here to be with me,

Cause when i look into your eyes i can see,

Myself with you

I know we're far by the distance, away,

But i hope that will be enough for you to say,

how much you Love me..

i miss you

This love we have is true,

I'm so in love i dont know what to do

sitting here dumbstruck

i dont wanna hold on to luck

just let me be there

with my love to share

the best old couple living

unable to walk nor sit and stand by her own support struck her badly. her husband, in a bad health condition, in and out of the hospital, asthma.

but still this couple fight for eachother, to take care of one another.

she has stroke. since the attack. she feels so helpless. unable to be whom she was. the fun bringer of the family. the best cook.

she lay on the bed, helplessly calling for her husband.

he comes to her as though walking from a thousand mile. catching his breath. yet he fights to get to her. he ask for her demands and told her what she wanted to hear. hands shaking, he stroke her hair and whispered that everything will turn out alright.he forgets his bad health conditions and puts first priority to his wife.

he coughs badly and i tried to sooth him by patting on his back. "dont need to do that, look after nenek instead" he told me.

i almost cried after he said that to me while he was still stroking nenek’s hair.

they are the most best old people i have ever known.
they are my grandparents.
and i love them very much

a letter to my future self

Dear Myself,

30 years old as I am. Its going to be another 14 years old til i reach 30 years of age. i hope by then, my goals are achieved. Well, at least half of them nor some. do i still take part in dancing? doubtful i guess, 30 years of age.. goodness me if i do!

do i still love my all time favourite anime 'Honey and Clover'? i sure hope so. Hagumi is part of my soul.. and what about my friends? i hope we got old together.. yet in style still! We still mad about boys? umm i meant MEN? pardon me. Definitely we have our husbands at t he time but no fault for ladies night eh? nothing serious ;D And what about HIM???

How does he look like? is he everything i dreamt about? big 'RESPONSIBLE MAN' mark chop on his head? A handsome man? Truly religious? Loves me too much he cant catch his breath every time he sees or think of me eventhough the many years of bondship? i hope and pray he does.

what about the kids? i have a big feeling theyre lovely as they are. pretty names bestowed upon them. with multi talents they obtain.

and what about my marriage ceremony? was my whole family there? my parents? i'm sure theyre tearing themselves. had to gave up their beautiful daughter away to a man. but no matter, i hope when i married, i was perfectly ready and all ambitions achieved, am i right?

so many questions i want to ask you, my future self. although i hope there will be no answers in return/ reply because i wouldnt want my future to be told and written. whats the joy of life if you do.

so til here. oyasumi great lady of the future.

love.

the 16 years old me

journey Begins

sequel of My Crazy Fairytale


i went straight back to the room, the room where i have lived for 16 years now. i took out my baby album, just for fun. i looked at how once was so cute ( :P ). as innocent as nothing. pure and untouched.

i began to feel tired. i jumped to my bed and fell to deep slumber..

then, i heard a knock.. one thump, and two then three. it was coming behind my velvet curtains. my window.
i ran towards the window. opened the seal. excited of who it was, the mysterious guest of mine.
but when i pushed the curtains aside, nobody was there. except the night air, caressing my face. tidal of dissapointment flow through me as my face showed some curiosity. then i saw at the corner of my window, lay a note

"follow your heart, listen to the wind.."

i startled and jumped a few steps backwards. whatever on earth is the being trying to say?
still, as careless and daring as i was, i did as the note told. i closed my eyes and see nothing but dark blur vision. trying to reach my heart and listening to the bustling wind. challenging as it was, i had to do it. my decisions made are all for him. hoping that someday i'll finally meet my dreams

i went out, yes through that very window with my feet, all bare. the cold of the ground was non to compare. yet i follow my heart to earn satisfaction. urgingly want to be his devotion.
there and then, i saw the hooded man. holding a bread, just above his head. looking so horribly, as he looks, a beggar. so aged and deprive, i couldnt tell the differ.
yet i care not, if he is lean and dangerous. i listened to the wind and i heard.. him again

"come nearer. come nearer my dear.."

i went following.. the melody played by an angel. i came closer to the ol rag.

'yes mister sire, you called for me..?'

he didnt look at me when i presented my question. yet he handed me his bread, so i took it with none shame. is this all for what i have been lead, yet i still feel something familiar, the same.
as soon as the loaf touches my cold palms, abruptly it turns to be a white rose, sparkling all a gentle diamonds. at the same time, the ol rag transformed into my dreams. the man who stole my heart from the very beginning, was right in front of me with his crystal eyes shining.
overjoyed i am as the first time again. i was in his arms nothing less nor more to bargain. i flipped, i danced in front of him. all act in one heart. how i love our story, every part. this is far from any sin. the love we had cant tell where to begin.

'how much do you miss me my love?'

'too much to be frank, no planet can compare. dont leave me. ever! as my heart shall sank.'

'i want to see you'

'i've been through so much, i really need you'

'my apologies my love, for i have failed you, i have been searching for you but i earned nothing, yet. Yet i will not let it pass as just, i shalln't give up'

to be continued

my crazy Fairytale

i walked down the beach that day, bare foot. with my mini mp3 clinging at my body. i deserted myself for awhile, all this noise in my head had to be coolen down. the only company i had was the music by jack johnson and mika nakashima. i walked after hours it seemed, i felt tired. i didnt want to use my legs anymore. so i lay on the warm sand, abruptly the brush of the sand through my skin took the pain away.

i stared at the sky. the sky was clear blue, all a sparkle. the clouds danced and transformed into beautiful shapes. it was too beautiful to recall. they always danced for me when my heart calls for them, those clouds. the warm ray of the sun comforts me as i was a little chilled. then i wished i could lay here all by myself with nature as my companion, forever. slower than seconds, i shut my eyes.

i was shadowed. i looked beneath my shoulder and saw a figure. tough and tall. the figure bowed on my existence, i, in reply, bowed back. i never did took my eyes off the mysterious being. the sun shines behind him, i could not see his face.

he took out his hand and offered me to dance. careless of whoever he was i accepted his hand and took them with mine. i felt his body was brick hard, yet comforting. his scent was musky and it was my favourite.we danced and danced, forgetting the world. we swayed on the diamond like sand, as wind. he was very gentle. respectful. he handles me with perfect kindness. although i have only met him in a short hour, it felt like we have been together forever. by that moment, he was an angel to me.

suddenly, the clouds glowered. he stopped but didnt let go off my hand. why were my friends glowering? arent they happy to see me like this?

then the sun went down. i could finally see his angel face. i turned to him and saw the man that took my heart with his. his is the face that most perfectly fit a portrait. a portrait that costs more than a world. his beauty made me look like beast. but what stung me most, his inside perfection out shone me in every way i could thought of.

he went on his knees, bringing me close to him. he took my hand, gave me his ring he wore and kissed them and i felt a certain tingle, heart dropped. it was a coral ring in shape of a leaf. he caressed me all the way from my hand, my arm to my shoulders, my neck, finally, to my lips. and it stayed there for a moment which i hoped he would never let me go. by night, he broke off our love and smiled to me. the smile i'll sew in my heart for forever it will stay. he told me it was time to get back. but i still hold on to him. he pushed my hand away, but i took it back. he brushes my hair and begged me to let go. i looked down on the sand, tears running down my cheeks. before the tear fell to the floor he caught it with his hand on rubbed it through his chest where his beautiful heart was. he leaned down to me, kissed my eye brow and whispered to my ear "I took your tear as part of you, to stay in my heart, become part of my soul. I will remember you. Every single thing about you. How could i not? We cant stay here but, in the other world we will meet and cherish all our lives together. Never forget me, as i'll do the same of you. If we keep holding on to each other, we'll finally meet and become one. Remember me. Remember me." by the end of his sentence, he vanished to the lonely sea.

and then there i was, on the sand ground laying on my back. jack johnson's song was playing through my mp3 headset. i let out a big sigh, it was a freaking dream. a freaking nice dream. seem too true to be just a dream. what if it was a message kind of dream. a real dream. what if.. he actually existed? thousands of questions popped in my head, gave a whirl. what if's what if's what if's. but then i remembered, he gave me his ring. i glared upon my finger.. heart beating a million beats i almost died.. and the coral leaf ring was still on my finger, staying subtle there as where it belong. i smiled, i laughed and i screamed. overjoyed. i sat down on the sand, staring at the ring, smiling to myself.

i have a journey to begin,an adventure. to find him. and they start with my petite little feet. i wiggled my toes and realised the most funny thing, my toes are so strange. i laughed. how crazy have i become?

and then i got up

my journey begins

Bitter truth Sweet lie

you have been down
deep underground
ur face has dropped
u stumble still u refused to stop

for what it seemed
u are to blame
it is subtle and silent although you are screaming
you run back and forth escaping, still you earn shame

i cant
i wont
i hadnt
i'll never

these were the words that u have been saying
its playing in my mind, repeating repeating
but what since you left
you left with nothing
not a heart not soul
its pain shot dart
u'll turn to a ghoul

i know i am
a ghoul indeed
who has been kicked when i'm down
who has been laughed when i'm around.

but you
just stood there
pretending
unaware

as i'm a glass
bother not u may think
i'll have fear over you as brass
i want you to sink

so still as statue
u pose with glamour
with all fake virtue
i laughed at your so called humour

though i still remeber your love vows
on how much you'll commit
its all false heart and still is now
covered with blankets of vomit.

still u dont realise
what foolish act u have caused
u mutter something jewel of crystal ice
yet all i hear is the things that i despised

so soon u leave in a rush to catch who
you seem happy with what u conceived
for once u leave
the hell leaves with you.

longing for air nor ruth?
thinking in mind when u will die?
hush now,
forever I am The Bitter Truth
and You The Sweet Lie.

til love comes walking

she walks,
lifeless towards the porch,
near the lighthouse
there a torch.

Breathless,
she gains her power,
yet weakness
drenched her all over.

feet dragging,
beneath, a thousand bee stinging.
every hell she wander
with all the things that suffer.

and then, Lightning strikes.
she woke up from her horrible slumber
let out a scream of fright.
then everything returned, prim and proper.

who knew, what or when the existance of sunlight
that all she needs in her mind
was the same person of kind.
to be there and protect,
as a shield or exact.
to feel summer out of winter,
skies dance a glimmer
all around her.

these dreams she will find
even if they appear
one at a time
it matters not of fear.

Her passion for Him was non of lustre
But a heart longing to beat with another.

Til then she waits..
at the corner of her porch
hoping it will never be too late.

While all the lights glow and beam,
and all her wishes near to come true,
so still she sat there waiting for him,
as still as I am here waiting for You.

People

its funny to think about how strange people are.

even the ones ur close to the most aren't really what you think they are. well they are real. they are human. who one owns feelings etc etc. should have goals and achievements. likes and dislikes. and all the obvious abt them.

but what i dont understand about us is that, why cant we just live the world the way we wanted it to. peaceful. harmony. (do you think i'm crapping?). of course nobody wants to live a hell. a deserted world. lonely. surrounded by wealth but so full of greed and agony. nobody wants that. even if u caught a thief or a gang banger, ask them why do they do it, one of their many sympathetic reasons will be : "i had to do it, or else my baby wont get feed". or ask the most richest mafia, the big bos : "if dont carry out this business, how am i suppose to give the best life towards my wife and my beautiful children and my future families to come?". even if they dont say it, but that is why they actually do it. in the most meanest way for whatever crap theyve done.. they still want to live a LIFE.

and what i dont understand is that, people change so fast and i dont mean clothes. their attitude, their feelings, style, their prospect. virtue. their thoughts towards other people. how they are so vulnerable to get poisoned and influenced by just one word they hear by which they dont have proof to believe it is so. its so fragile. human that is.

families are cracking why? middle aged ladies are refusing to have a family. what have we become? having a family is the most magical thing. of course it is hard to maintain/obtain a happy life. but tell me, is there anything easy? no. nothing. the more years pass by the more intolerance we become. and then comes war. between family, friends, people, country.
a world with trust, forgiving, love and etc is the world we should live in. life is to fight, not among us people but to fight for the best. fight for love. love is a battlefield, so i heard. so since u are in a battlefield why go to the corner and betray others u love?

if you have done a mistake, take it as a morale. say sorry, whats so hard about it? be forgivable, everyone deserves a second chance.

we are after all, living in one world, why cant we just unite? things will be hell alot easier that way. seems impossible dont you think? but if that is what we intend to do, nothing will be impossible for us.

song for my baby sister

if i could live a million years

i'd wana be the one who'd wipe all your tears

i'd chose to be forever by your side

to make sure everythings all right

..

i'd take you travel through rainbow

see all the coulourful things of life

and fit all the memories in a photo

which highlights your best times

..

i wana be the one u look up to to

be the stars in your eyes

i'll swear i'l give my best to you

my evrything

my everything

..

i'm sorry that i've ever hurt you

though you know i dont mean to

i'd want you to live in my rhyme

so i could guard your life with mine

..

my love for you will grow like trees

i'll care for you with love and peace

though my love will not dry nor whither

even if autumn comes by or summer

ease for heartbreaks

to every girl out there..
:-D

every step in our life we bring what we have together with us.
for the unknown we do not know whats going to trigger the next minute
we only know what has already happen.
for that memory we must carry on as guidance
to survive
we must learn to give and to take
also to share.

let alone ur broken heart.
it means nothing anymore.
why shed a tear that aint worth it.
its better to laugh about it..
or smile if laughing takes too much insane.
dont bother if your brother catches you smiling by urself..
all you know he's jealous of your 'good' life
i've been through this :-p
hell alota times.

....
you see a girl
in the mirror stood glassy in front of you
she is pretty
tell her that
everyday
she is smart
better than any other
she is the best
most beautiful
and gracious.
so dont fret of how you look
never compare
instead be thankful of how beautiful you are now.

..
and as a start
i'll be here
i am here
saying this to you.
the world is big
billions of people out there.
and trust me
half of those billion cares for you.
and no matter who you are
i'd say this
you are pretty
precious
beautiful
gracious
intelligent
the hell with people who hates you
they dont realise themself
how priceless u are.
and no matter who u are still
u deserve to be loved
u have the rights to stand for yourself.
dream of whatever u want
the choice is yours
not theirs, remember that.

and most of all
love yourself
trust the person you are.
for you will be the future.

to start your healing heart
heres' a sayin from me
truly

I LOVE YOU

;-D
siti amirah