Used To Be

excited to the bones when you see a post
cant keep off from the internet to get a reply
cant keep off the phone wanting a text
always hearin your ringtone going when theres actually none
having that song on replay everytime and smiling while at it
reading the messages and smiles to yourself
Just creeps your everything when you read "I love you too"
i wonder if it'll come back
i wonder if it ever did went away
i wonder if its just me who feels this way
and i wonder
cause i can never let go.
though if one day fate says no..
I will succumb, i will accept. And if thats what he wants
Thats what he will get
Cause baby,
i just love you that bad.

Dreams Dealt

alright. im up for it now. and i will finish this post. not like any other days that ive tried, typing a few lines and the whole idea just vanished, the interest loses its time.no, not tonight. tonight, i'll cry my heart out.

what gave me the 'push', was mae's post on how she felt lost and eveything.

ive been feeling it. for quite some time now.

ive been laughing, but not from the heart. ive been dancing, maybe wrote a poem or two and sometimes just daydreaming like ive always loved it, but it all seemed to me, like it was created. like its fake, and had no meaning in it. i was a creative dreamer, i create stories, through words i make them alive, but now, im like a dreamer, so far away lost in an unknown dimension, dreams made are now only to be broken, and miss dreamer as i am, could not dream anymore, not now, and it feels like never.


dancing, what i love doing the most, as im performing and dancing in any occasion, the rush is not there anymore, maybe half well maybe full, but like its just being said, it never did came from the heart. and at some point or two, you might find me, sucked into a dark hole, to others sight i'll look like, lost, blur, mistakes in my steps, and going over styling the moves.
damn it i just want to feel IT again. but it never came back. whatever will i make, building it stronger, it aint coming any nearer, not an inch.

i cant laugh, maybe i do outside, but my heart does not jump when i do, you know like your heart goes ticklish and a sudden rush floods your body, youre suddenly in hip mood, gleaming, glowing.

im like a robot, unable to feel, only knows how to do, react, and live. autopilot.

i remembered it was since that day, in petronas's dance studio, where i had the phone call from my mother, when i knew of a bad news from her. my grandfather passed away, the impact he left on my family, the impact he left towards me. for the first time in my life, that i'd never faced neither had such feelings before or known of it at all, it came slowly and clearly i named it, The Numb feeling.

since that day on, my words no more calms me when i write of something, my dancing never satisfied me anymore, the feeling 'relief' has left its place in my heart, leaving a dark patch on it, dirty and a mess.

i recently thought it was because of granddaddy who left such feeling for me, that because of that day, a dreamer's heart was murdered. but when i read my friend's blog just a moment ago, i had a second thought. maybe it is a part of life, maybe everyone goes thru it. this lost feeling. but to what extent will it go. will it ever end? will i ever feel it again?

it is no wonder now that i didnt cry at the end of DTB2, i remember i cried horribly after the first DTB finale, but not the 2nd remake.. and watching love stories or tragic ones, i just stare at the well presented screen in front of me and never thought of crying and if i was watching movies with someone else, i had to fake a cry so they wont think i was not myself or hhaving them to question things like"Siti youre not crying?! how odd!" and stuff like that. i just couldnt face it.

because if i were to be reminded that i am lost while im on autopilot, 'this autopilot' thing will go haywire, and i will feel that numb feeling again, and when i do feel it, takes a whole load of brand new effort all over again to forget about it, and run this life the way it should be would be very challenging.

i have no idea when this heart will bloom to its end, reach for its core and grow rapidly out from me. when could i really feel. for time will take its pace and slow for now, i would say.

thus im still left, as lost as i were

i just cant figure it out
just cant figure it out no more now.

i know that a feeling like that
is the kind i wish to avoid now.

its going to be my worst fate if i do
if i go on feeling the way i wanted to.

i should take a step back
escape to the backdoor
have my head held high
leave it all behind

i just cant take it
this feeling im facing
its bout to break down
every inside of me its killing
should i pause my life
speak out or shut tight
i just cant take it
this moment so still
right in front of me
its watching me decide
ive got nowhere to hide

there he goes
walking my way so easy

fell to my lap
talking of situations

only he doesnt know of this
my heart is burning degrees

i should take a step back
run to the backdoor
have my head held high
leave it all behind

i just cant take it
this feeling im facing
its bout to break down
every inside of me its killing
should i pause my life
speak out or shut tight
i just cant take it
this moment so still
right in front of me
its watching me decide
ive got nowhere to hide.

and its not my line
it is not my fate
i should keep my friends being mine

is it only me in this world feeling like im fading
bit by bit, it kept its pace
working on a new phase
charming the world with its pretty face
and left its heart beyond out
overwhelmed with it so proud
and forgotten its place
engrossed with the new modern taste
and the myth's dream in society
only to prone fails to see
we only wish life is like fairytales told
endless of happy endings and never grow old
eternity of love
love for eternity
sounds pretty ridiculous
for all's know love is full of it, The Jealous.
and only comes to one ending
its all our do's.
the hell
the havoc
the heat
and we push the blame
tumbling it
bouncing it in the air
waiting for a victim to catch it
and escape the point
feeling too bold
thats just how it goes
one did it
and others follows.
its how we are.
and i pretty much hate
that some tries its best to twist Fate.